Jamie aged 24 years old and Eleanor aged 26 years old met by chance on a retreat. Eleanor was attracted to Jamie’s sensitivity and warmth and Jamie found Eleanor accepting and understanding. During the retreat they spent a lot of time in each other’s company and both were keen to develop things further. In terms of background history, Eleanor is the eldest of two siblings and at the age of 14 learned that her father was in fact her stepfather and that her brother was in fact her half brother. This had a profound effect on her sense of identity and security within the family and she often found herself wondering about her birth father. Jamie is also one of two siblings with a sister 2 years older than him. As a child Jamie, who was called Katie, often found that she cross-dressed and she eschewed most things feminine. Although she persistently told her parents that she was a boy this was not accepted within her immediate family and for most of her life Katie felt an outsider. Because of Katie’s struggle to find and assert her true identity it wasn’t until after university that she completely felt able to begin the process of transitioning. At the point that Jamie met Eleanor he was seriously considering phalloplasty, although he was anxious about the procedure and wasn’t at all convinced that it would be the success he hoped.
The couple presented for therapy a few weeks into the relationship following Jamie’s disclosure to Eleanor of his trans identity. Eleanor was initially shocked and then furious that Jamie had, as she saw it, betrayed her trust in him. Jamie was remorseful but was also desperate to hold onto Eleanor, the first real love of his life. However, at the point that the couple presented for therapy Eleanor was virtually mute and Jamie was highly anxious and despairing. During the initial assessment, the therapist attempted to understand the nature of the couple’s internal representation, or, more precisely the meaning of the unconscious couple fit. This is seen as crucial to gaining an understanding of why the couple is together and why it is they are seeking help at this particular point in time. For all intents and purposes, Eleanor who felt a certain sense of betrayal in her own family of origin is now experiencing the same feelings of betrayal with Jamie, who, like her mother, had concealed a crucial fact of life. Jamie, who longed for acceptance and mirroring of his authentic self is now once again on the receiving end of a loved one turning away. Dynamically speaking, each of the partners are in touch with themes of betrayal and rejection and although these appear to represent a split within the couple, in reality they speak to a shared experience of being rejected by a loved one and both have had the experience of being left feeling compromised.
In a situation like this, the therapist attempts to speak to the split in order to help the couple become more aware of the shared nature of their struggle. The aim of this is to help them reflect on the meaning of their connection so that they can begin the process of speaking to the fears and anxieties that are endangering their relationship. Essentially both partners are fearful of revealing their vulnerabilities to each other, especially since their shared history is that of having to manage things alone rather than being able to make use of their respective family’s support. Furthermore, the therapist also speaks to the projective system, since it would appear that Eleanor is projecting her own feeling of rejection into Jamie and he is projecting his doubts and fears into Eleanor. Over time and with the therapist’s help, it is possible for couples to withdraw the projections and to speak more honestly to their own anxieties and fears.