Although Diane was very much engaged in the process, the questions that arise for the non-transitioning partner are in some ways similar to the “coming out” literature relating to gay, lesbian and bisexual partners disclosing their sexual orientation within the context of a marriage or a long-term relationship. For example, the non-transitioning partner may ask:
- Why didn’t my partner disclose gender issues sooner
- Was he or she lying all those years
- Is my husband really gay or my wife really lesbian
- Does my partner’s trans identity suddenly invalidate the experiences we shared
- Is there something I have done that is wrong and is it my fault
- Can we continue to parent together or will doing so harm our children
Providing a safe space within the therapeutic encounter to explore the answers to some of these questions seems particularly important for the wellbeing and development of the individuals concerned and for their couple relationship. At the same time, one might also suppose that at an unconscious level, themes of sameness and difference would also pervade the transitioning process. In the case of Diane and Jacob, it is noticeable how in one of the quotes Diane speaks of nameless dread, as if part of her knew that, although she had chosen Suzy as her partner, that perhaps one day she would end up living with a man. And, in another quote, Diane spells out the depth of her confusion to the grocery clerk, as if she were trying to take in the meaning of Jacob’s new identity for herself and for them as a couple. Lemma (2013) in her work with an individual transsexual, suggests that if one’s bodily experience can be represented in the mind of the other, then this makes a difference to the development of a coherent sense of self rooted in the body. Thinking further about this, I wonder if what Diane was attempting to communicate to the grocery clerk was her struggle to develop a coherent sense of self rooted in the body of the shared couple relationship. By the same token, Suzy may have unconsciously chosen Diane because at some level she believed that Diane would be open to partnering her through the transition process and that they could successfully remain a couple.
Indeed, it has been suggested that those holding rigid gender boundaries and beliefs are more likely to struggle to manage the transition of a partner from one gender to another. Furthermore, a joint report from the National Centre for Transgender Equality & the National Gay & Lesbian Task Force (2011) found that trans men were more likely to retain their relationship than trans women. One possible explanation for this is that a strong percentage of trans men were partnered with queer women, who may have found adjusting to a trans partner easier than it would be for a straight woman. The suggestion is that straight women tend to have definite perspectives on masculinity and, because of this, struggle much more than bisexual, lesbian, or sexually fluid women to manage the transition. However, when Suzy through transitioning became Jacob, Diane found herself in an awkward position, as a supposedly straight woman who identified as lesbian and was in fact active within the lesbian movement. And the struggle and anxieties did not stop there, since Jacob asks:
After being in an intimate relationship in which you saw my marked body and you looked upon me as a female, can you really truly see me as the male I now identify?
(Anderson-Minshall, 2014, p. 142-143)
And to what extent does a partner’s identity or gender expression determine how the other identifies? Jacob reminds us that:
Diane is a lesbian, or bi or queer, because she identifies as such and she’ll remain a lesbian as long as she continues to identify as such, regardless of who she’s actually sleeping with, and regardless of whether her partner’s identity has changed?
(Anderson-Minshall, 2014, p. 163)