Yet, Diane and Jacob were able to transition together whereas a number of couples are not. It seems that in the past the dominant belief that couples were not expected to stay together, may continue, consciously or unconsciously, to exert an influence on couples themselves where one of the partners discloses that they are questioning of their gender. A big part of being able to travel the route together seems to depend on whether the non-transitioning partner can manage and work with the impact of their partner’s identity change on them. Fox & O’Keefe (2008) believe that partners who are able to remain accepting and flexible are better positioned to cope with and continue their relationship with their trans partner. It has been suggested that those who identify as bisexual may be more able to tolerate and work through the challenges. Conversely, those who react only with shock, denial and anger may have a much harder time making the journey or being able to grieve the loss of the partner with whom they originally fell in love in his or her new gender. Diane says:
It took a long time. She approached it slowly, like navigating a labyrinth, spiraling closer and closer to the truth in the center. For 15 years the love of my life had been a girl named Suzy. Then she said the words that I had been dreading and just like that she was gone. I still see her sometimes, brief glimpses of what once was. I used to occasionally tear up. The truth is a small part of me misses her. A part of me always will.
(Anderson-Minshall, 2014, p. 21).
Although Diane and Jacob worked hard to hold their connection through the process of transitioning, Jacob’s surgery provided a particular point of reference for the shared anxiety to emerge.
Jacob recalls:
The night before my chest surgery, Diane and I had one of our worst fights ever. It was a jumble of fears, blame throwing, anxiety and terror of the unknown beast I’d unleashed into the once safe and still forest of our relationship. She was afraid I might not wake up from the surgery. She was afraid I would abandon her. And I was afraid Diane would leave me.
(Anderson-Minshall, 2014, p. 81).
And Diane says:
And, as regards the chest, one I didn’t recognize, one that wasn’t quite done because it needed weeks to recover, I put on a positive face because he was so excited about getting one step closer to a body , and a life that finally felt right.
(Anderson-Minshall, 2014, p. 81).